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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I puked a lego.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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