Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
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It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
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I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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