and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
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Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
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We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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