you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
