You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
