You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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