i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Watching her eat just hurts me
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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