Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
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