I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
