I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
tell me about the fingering
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