anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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