I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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