he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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