My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
