He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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