I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
