After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
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