i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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