good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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