just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
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