i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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