and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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