I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Two words: blizzard sex
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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