can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
