life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize
