my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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