I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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