did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Welp...herpes.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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