and my herpes radar will keep us safe
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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