Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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