I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
