i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
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