Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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