Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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