I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
