you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
