She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
