Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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