I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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