In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
