He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
