just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
