Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
