my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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