I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
