Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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