dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
