what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Randomize
