i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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