My boss' voice literally gives me gas
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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