All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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