I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
