if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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