i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
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just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
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For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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