with your own penis?
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
