dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
