My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
