flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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