Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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